The Case for Early Marriage
Christianity Today August 2009
Amid our purity pledges and attempts to make chastity hip, we forgot
to teach young Christians how to tie the knot.
Mark Regnerus
|
posted 7/31/2009 09:43AM
Virginity
pledges. Chastity balls. Courtship. Side hugs. Guarding your heart.
Evangelical discourse on sex is more conservative than I've ever
seen it. Parents and pastors and youth group leaders told us not to
do it before we got married. Why? Because the Bible says so. Yet
that simple message didn't go very far in shaping our sexual
decision-making.
So they kicked it up a notch and staked a battle
over virginity, with pledges of abstinence and accountability
structures to maintain the power of the imperative to not do what
many of us felt like doing. Some of us failed, but we could become
"born again virgins." Virginity mattered. But sex can be had in
other ways, and many of us got creative.
Then they told us that oral sex was still sex. It
could spread disease, and it would make you feel bad. "Sex will be
so much better if you wait until your wedding night," they urged. If
we could hold out, they said, it would be worth it. The sheer glory
of consummation would knock our socks off.
Such is the prevailing discourse of abstinence
culture in contemporary American evangelicalism. It might sound like
I devalue abstinence. I don't. The problem is that not all
abstainers end up happy or go on to the great sex lives they were
promised. Nor do all indulgers become miserable or marital train
wrecks. More simply, however, I have found that few evangelicals
accomplish what their pastors and parents wanted them to.
Indeed, over 90 percent of American adults
experience sexual intercourse before marrying. The percentage of
evangelicals who do so is not much lower. In a nationally
representative study of young adults, just under 80 percent of
unmarried, church- going, conservative Protestants who are currently
dating someone are having sex of some sort. I'm certainly not
suggesting that they cannot abstain. I'm suggesting that in the
domain of sex, most of them don't and won't.
What to do? Intensify the abstinence message even
more? No. It won't work. The message must change, because our
preoccupation with sex has unwittingly turned our attention away
from the damage that Americans—including evangelicals—are doing to
the institution of marriage by discouraging it and delaying it.
Late Have I Loved You
If you think it's difficult to be pro-life in a
pro-choice world, or to be a disciple of Jesus in a sea of skeptics,
try advocating for young marriage. Almost no one empathizes, even
among the faithful. The nearly universal hostile reaction to my
April 23, 2009,
op-ed on early marriage in
The Washington Post suggests that to
esteem marriage in the public sphere today is to speak a foreign
language: you invoke annoyance, confusion, or both.
But after years of studying the sexual behavior and
family decision-making of young Americans, I've come to the
conclusion that Christians have made much ado about sex but are
becoming slow and lax about marriage—that more significant, enduring
witness to Christ's sacrificial love for his bride. Americans are
taking flight from marriage. We are marrying later, if at all, and
having fewer children.
Demographers call it the
second demographic transition.
In societies like ours that exhibit lengthy economic prosperity, men
and women alike begin to lose motivation to marry and have children,
and thus avoid one or both. Pragmatically, however, the institution
of marriage remains a foundational good for individuals and
communities. It is by far the optimal context for child-rearing.
Married people accumulate more wealth than people who are single or
cohabiting. Marriage consolidates expenses—like food, child care,
electricity, and gas—and over the life course drastically reduces
the odds of becoming indigent or dependent on the state.
It is, however, an institution under extreme duress
in America. In the past 35 years, the number of independent female
households in the U.S. has grown by 65 percent, while the share of
independent male households has skyrocketed, leaping 120 percent. As
a result, fewer than half of all American households today are made
up of married couples.
Another indicator of our shifting sentiment about
the institution is the median age at first marriage, which has risen
from 21 for women and 23 for men in 1970 to where it stands today:
26 for women and 28 for men, the highest figures since the Census
Bureau started collecting data about it. That's five additional,
long years of peak sexual interest and fertility. (And remember,
those numbers are medians: for every man marrying at 22, there's one
marrying for the first time at 34.)
Evangelicals tend to marry slightly earlier than
other Americans, but not by much. Many of them plan to marry in
their mid-20s.Yet waiting for sex until then feels far too long to
most of them. And I am suggesting that when people wait until their
mid-to-late 20s to marry, it
is unreasonable to expect them to refrain from sex. It's
battling our Creator's reproductive designs. The data don't lie. Our
sexual behavior patterns—the kind I documented in 2007 in
Forbidden Fruit—give us
away. Very few wait long for sex. Meanwhile, women's fertility is
more or less fixed, yet Americans are increasingly ignoring it
during their 20s, only to beg and pray to reclaim it in their 30s
and 40s.
Where Are All the
Christian Men?
Unfortunately, American evangelicals have another
demographic concern: The ratio of devoutly Christian young women to
men is far from even. Among evangelical churchgoers, there are about
three single women for every two single men. This is the elephant in
the corner of almost every congregation—a shortage of young
Christian men.
Try counting singles in your congregation next
Sunday. Evangelicals make much of avoiding being unequally yoked,
but the fact that there are far more spiritually mature young women
out there than men makes this bit of advice difficult to follow. No
congregational program or men's retreat in the Rocky Mountains will
solve this. If she decides to marry, one in three women has no
choice but to marry down in terms of Christian maturity. Many of the
hopeful ones wait, watching their late 20s and early 30s arrive with
no husband. When the persistent longing turns to deep
disappointment, some decide that they didn't really want to marry
after all.
Given this unfavorable ratio, and the plain fact
that men are, on average, ready for sex earlier in relationships
than women are, many young Christian women are being left with a
dilemma: either commence a sexual relationship with a decent,
marriage-minded man before she would prefer to—almost certainly
before marriage—or risk the real possibility that, in holding out
for a godly, chaste, uncommon man, she will wait a lot longer than
she would like. Plenty will wait so long as to put their fertility
in jeopardy. By that time, the pool of available men is hardly the
cream of the crop—and rarely chaste. I know, I know: God has someone
in mind for them, and it's just a matter of time before they meet.
God does work miracles. But the fact remains that there just aren't
as many serious Christian young men as there are women, and the men
know it.
Men get the idea that they can indeed find the ideal
woman if they are patient enough. Life expectancies nearing 80 years
prompt many to dabble with relationships in their 20s rather than
commit to a life of "the same thing" for such a long time. Men have
few compelling reasons to mature quickly. Marriage seems an
unnecessary risk to many of them, even Christians. Sex seldom
requires such a steep commitment.
As a result, many men postpone growing up. Even
their workplace performance is suffering: earnings for 25- to
34-year-old men have fallen by 20 percent since 1971, even after
accounting for inflation. No wonder young women marry men who are on
average at least two years older than they. Unfortunately, a key
developmental institution for men—marriage—is the very thing being
postponed, thus perpetuating their adolescence.
Changing Ideals
Still, the data from nearly every survey suggest
that young Americans want to get married. Eventually. That makes
sense. Our Creator clearly intended for male and female to be knit
together in covenantal relationship. An increasing number of men and
women, however, aren't marrying. They want to. But it's not
happening. And yet in surveying this scene, many Christians continue
to perceive a sexual
crisis, not a marital
one. We buy, read, and pass along books about battling our sexual
urges, when in fact we are battling them far longer than we were
meant to. How did we misdiagnose this?
The answer is pretty straightforward: While our
sexual ideals have remained biblical and thus rooted in marriage,
our ideas about marriage have changed significantly. For all the
heated talk and contested referendums about defending marriage
against attempts to legally redefine it, the church has already
ceded plenty of intellectual ground in its marriage-mindedness.
Christian practical ethics about marriage—not the ones expounded on
in books, but the ones we actually exhibit—have become a nebulous
hodgepodge of pragmatic norms and romantic imperatives, few of which
resemble anything biblical.
Unfortunately, many Christians
cannot tell the difference.
Much about evangelical marital ethics is at bottom therapeutic:
since we are pro-family, we are sure that a happy marriage is a
central source of human contentment, and that romantic love is the
key gauge of its health. While our marriage covenants are
strengthened by romance, the latter has no particular loyalty to the
former.
Our personal feelings may lead us out of a marriage
as quickly as they lead us into one. As a result, many of us think
about marriage much like those outside the church—as a capstone that
completes the life of the autonomous self. We claim to be better
promise keepers, but our vision of what marriage means is not all
that unique. When did this all change?
The shift has gone largely unnoticed over the past
half-century. As we finally climb toward multigenerational economic
success, we advise our children to finish their education, to launch
their careers, and to become financially independent, since
dependence is weakness. "Don't rush into a relationship," we caution
them. "Hold out for a spouse who displays real godliness." "First
loves aren't likely the best fit." "You have plenty of time!" we now
remind them. "Don't bank on a mate." Even those who successfully
married young now find themselves dispensing such parental wisdom
with little forethought.
As a result, many young adults sense that putting
oneself in the trust of another person so soon may be foolish and
risky. Many choose to wait out the risk—sometimes for years—to see
how a relationship will fare before committing. (We seem to have
lost our ability to shame men for such incessant delays.)
Consequently, the focus of 20-somethings has become less about
building mature relationships and fulfilling responsibilities, and
more about enjoying oneself, traveling, and trying on identities and
relationships. After all the fun, it will be time to settle down and
get serious.
Most young Americans no longer think of marriage as
a formative institution, but rather as the institution they enter
once they think they are fully formed. Increasing numbers of young
evangelicals think likewise, and, by integrating these ideas with
the timeless imperative to abstain from sex before marriage, we've
created a new optimal life formula for our children: Marriage is
glorious, and a big deal. But it must wait. And with it, sex. Which
is seldom as patient.
Objections to Young
Marriage
Now let's have a dose of that pragmatic reasoning,
because there are some good reasons to avoid marrying young. Indeed,
studies continue to show that early marriage is the
number one predictor of divorce.
So why on earth would I want to consider such a disastrous idea that
flies in the face of the evidence? Two reasons:
First, what is deemed "early marriage" by
researchers is commonly misunderstood. The most competent
evaluations of early marriage and divorce note that the association
between early age-at-marriage and divorce occurs largely among those
who marry as teenagers (before age 20). Although probably all of us
know successful examples of such marriages, I still don't think teen
marriage is wise. But the data suggest that marriages that commence
in the early 20s are not as risky—especially for women—as
conventional wisdom claims.
Second, the age at which a person marries never
causes divorce.
Rather, a young age-at-marriage is an indicator of an underlying
proclivity for marital problems, the kind most Christian couples
learn to avoid or solve without parting. Family scholars agree that
there are several roots to the link between age-at-marriage and
divorce. I consider five of them here, together with some practical
ways that parents, friends, and the church can work to turn such
weaknesses into strengths.
(1)
Economic insecurity: Marrying young can spell
poverty, at least temporarily. Yet the mentality that we need to
shield young adults from the usual struggles of life by encouraging
them to delay marriage until they are financially secure usually
rests on an unrealistic standard of living. Good marriages grow
through struggles, including economic ones. My wife and I are still
fiscal conservatives because of our early days of austerity.
Nevertheless, the economic domain remains an area in
which many parents are often able, but frequently unwilling, to
assist their children. Many well-meaning parents use their resources
as a threat, implying that if their children marry before the age at
which their parents socially approve, they are on their own. No more
car insurance. No help with tuition. No more rent.
This doesn't sound very compassionate toward
marriage—or toward family members. This is, however, a two-way
street: many young adults consider it immature or humiliating to
rely on others for financial or even social support. They would
rather deal with sexual guilt—if they sense any at all—than consider
marrying before they think they are ready. This cultural
predilection toward punishing rather than blessing marriage must go,
and congregations and churchgoers can help by dropping their own
punitive positions toward family members, as well as by identifying
deserving young couples who could use a little extra help once in a
while. Christians are great about supporting their missionaries, but
in this matter, we can be
missionaries to the marriages in our midst.
(2)
Immaturity: Even if economic security is not a
concern, immaturity and naïveté often characterize young marriages.
While unlearning self-centeredness and acquiring a sacrificial side
aren't easy at any age, naïveté may actually benefit youth, since
preferences and habits ingrained over years of single life often are
not set aside easily. Let's face it: Young adults are inexperienced,
but they are not intrinsically incompetent at marriage. So they
need, of course, the frank guidance of parents, mentors, and
Christian couples.
Women, however, do tend to exhibit greater maturity
earlier than men. As a result, it shouldn't surprise us when a young
woman falls in love with someone three, five, even ten years her
senior. Indeed, two of the finest marriages I've recently witnessed
exhibit nearly a dozen years' difference between husband and wife.
While there are unwise ages to marry, there is no right age for
which we must make our children wait. Indeed, age integration is one
of the unique hallmarks of the institutional church, tacitly
contesting the strict age-separation patterns that have long
characterized American schools and universities.
One common way that immaturity reveals itself is
when parents or children make marriage into another form of social
competition or sibling rivalry. Modern adolescence and young
adulthood read like one contest after another: the race to win in
sports, to get good grades, to attend a prestigious college, to
attract the best-looking person, to secure that coveted job. Where
does it end? Not with marriage. Even college students who wish to
marry are painfully (or proudly) aware of the "ring by spring"
competition. Marriage becomes equated with beautiful, successful
people. Weddings become expensive displays of personal and family
status. Clergy often get caught in the middle of this, and feel
powerless to contest it. My father, a minister, told me that he'd
rather "bury people than marry people."
Such is the pressure cooker of modern weddings.
None of this is good.
Marriage is too important and too serious to be treated as yet
another game to play, with winners and losers. It's a covenant of
mutual submission and sacrificial love, not a contest of prestige,
social norms, and saving face. A trend toward more modest weddings
would be a great start.
(3) A
Poor Match: Marrying early can mean a short search
process, which elevates the odds of a poorer match. In the age of
online dating personality algorithms and matches (see "Restless,
Reformed, and Single," page 28), Americans have become well
acquainted with the cultural notion that getting the right fit in a
marital partner is extremely important.
Chemistry is the new
watchword as we meld marriage with science. Should opposites
attract? Or should we look for common interests?
There is no right answer to such questions, because
successful marriages are less about the right personalities than
about the right practices, like persistent communication and
conflict resolution, along with the ability to handle the cyclical
nature of so much about marriage, and a bedrock commitment to its
sacred unity. Indeed, marriage research confirms that couples who
view their marriages as sacred covenants are far better off than
those who don't.
Toward this end, pastors, premarital counselors, and
Christian friends must be free to speak frankly into the lives of
those seeking their counsel about marriage. While it may be nice to
find an optimal match in marriage, it cannot hold a candle to
sharing a mental and spiritual commitment to the enduring covenant
between God, man, and woman. It just can't. People change. Chemistry
wanes. Covenants don't.
(4)
Marrying for Sex: One byproduct of the abstinence
culture is that some marry early simply for the promise of
long-awaited, guilt-free sex. After all, Paul told us that it's
better to marry than to burn with passion (1 Cor. 7). And modern
America certainly bears a striking resemblance to Corinth, whose
church was confused about what to do with marriage. Its people were
delaying marriage, just like we are. Yet in our culture of shallow
marriages and easy divorce, marrying simply for the lure of sex is
not what Paul had in mind. He reminded the Corinthians—and us—of the
only two callings for believers in this matter: a season or lifetime
of singleness, or marriage. In other words, our freedom to serve as
singles or our submission as married people is never intended to be
about us. It's
about God. While I certainly understand the biological urge to mate,
we need to remind young adults that values like generosity, courage,
dependability, compassion, and godliness live on far longer than do
high testosterone and estrogen levels. Simply put, family and
friends ought to do their best to help young couples discern whether
there is more to their love than sexual desire.
(5)
Unrealistic expectations: Today's young adults show
tremendous optimism about their own personal futures, leading many
to sense they are entitled to a great marriage that will commence
according to plan, on their timetable. Unfortunately, marital life
often ends up looking different from what they had anticipated.
Marriage is a remarkable institution in many ways, but it cannot
bear all of the unrealistic expectations that we moderns have heaped
upon it.
So enough of the honeymoon banter: insiders know
that a good marriage is hard work, and that its challenges often
begin immediately. The abstinence industry perpetuates a blissful
myth; too much is made of the explosively rewarding marital sex life
awaiting abstainers. The fact is that God makes no promises of great
sex to those who wait. Some experience difficult marriages. Spouses
wander. Others cannot conceive children.
In reality, spouses
learn marriage, just
like they learn communication, child-rearing, or making love.
Unfortunately, education about marriage is now sadly perceived as
self-obvious, juvenile, or feminine, the domain of disparaged home
economics courses. Nothing could be further from the truth.
In sum, Christians need to get real about marriage:
it's a covenant helpmate thing that suffers from too much idealism
and too little realism.Weddings may
be beautiful, but
marriages become
beautiful. Personal storytelling and testimonies can work wonders
here, since so much about life is learned behavior. Young adults
want to know that it's possible for two fellow believers to stay
happy together for a lifetime, and they need to hear how the
generations preceding them did it.
Enduring Gospel Witness
Abstinence is not to blame for our marital crisis.
But promoting it has come at a cost in a permissive world in which
we are increasingly postponing marriage. While I am no fan of the
demographic realities I outlined earlier, one thing I will remember
is that while sex matters,
marriage matters more. The importance of Christian
marriage as a symbol of God's covenantal faithfulness to his
people—and a witness to the future union of Christ and his
bride—will only grow in significance as the wider Western culture
diminishes both the meaning and actual practice of marriage.
Marriage itself will become a witness to the gospel.
Romantic relationship formation is what I study.
I've spoken with hundreds of young adults about not only what they
think or hope for, but also what they actually do. Time and again,
I've listened to Christian undergraduates recount to me how their
relationships turned sexual. One thing I never ask them is
why. I know why.
Because sex feels great, it feels connectional, it feels deeply
human. I never blame them for wanting that. Sex is intended to
deepen personal relationships, and desire for it is intended to
promote marriage. Such are the impulses of many young Christians in
love. In an environment where parents and peers are encouraging them
to delay thoughts of marriage, I'm not surprised that their
sexuality remains difficult to suppress and the source of
considerable angst. We would do well to recognize
some of these
relationships for what they are: marriages in the making. If a young
couple displays maturity, faith, fidelity, a commitment to
understanding marriage as a covenant, and a sense of realism about
marriage, then it's our duty—indeed, our pleasure—to help them
expedite the part of marriage that involves public recognition and
celebration of what God is already knitting together. We ought to
"rejoice and delight" in them, and praise their love (Song of Sol.
1:4).
Mark Regnerus, Ph.D., is the author of
Forbidden Fruit: Sex and Religion in the
Lives of American Teenagers (Oxford, 2007). He's an associate
professor of sociology at the University of Texas, Austin, where he
lives with his wife, Deeann, and their three children. Download a
companion Bible study for this article at
ChristianityTodayStore.com.
Copyright © 2009
Christianity Today.
Click for reprint
information.
Related Elsewhere:
Forbidden Fruit is
available at ChristianBook.com and other book retailers.
This story was posted with "Restless,
Reformed, and Single." Christianity
Today will also post three responses to "The Case for
Early Marriage" on Monday.
Previous
Christianity Today articles about singleness, chastity,
or marriage include:
My Top Five Books on Marriage
| By Charles W. Tackett, CEO of PursuingHeart.com (May 7, 2009)
Choosing Celibacy | How to
stop thinking of singleness as a problem. (September 12, 2008)
Practicing Chastity | A
lifelong spiritual discipline for singles and marrieds. Lauren F.
Winner reviews Dawn Eden's The Thrill of the Chaste. (March 15,
2007)
30 and Single? It's Your Own Fault
| There are more unmarried people in our congregations than ever,
and some say that's just sinful. (June 21, 2006)
Sex in the Body of Christ |
Chastity is a spiritual discipline for the whole church. (May 13,
2005)
Reflections: Sex, Love, and Marriage
| Quotations to stir the heart and mind (February 1, 2003)
http://www.christianitytoday.com/ct/2009/august/16.22.html
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