Infidelity Reaches Beyond Having Sex;
...Emotional Intimacy, Virtual Affairs take hold in the
Workplace.
by Karen S. Peterson USA Today Jan 9, 2003
Cybersex and so-called virtual affairs on the Internet are
all the buzz among professionals who study spouses who
stray.
But the truly fertile ground for dangerous emotional
attachments outside marriages is much more conventional: the
workplace. As more employees labor longer hours together,
close friendships increasingly are taken for granted. And as
more women move into professions once dominated by men,
there are greater temptations for both sexes.
There is a new ''crisis of infidelity'' breeding in the
workplace, says Baltimore psychologist and marital
researcher Shirley Glass. Often it does not involve sexual
thrill seekers, but ''good people,'' peers who are in good
marriages.
''The new infidelity is between people who unwittingly form
deep, passionate connections before realizing that they've
crossed the line from platonic friendship into romantic
love,'' Glass says.
Glass' 25 years of research on ''extramarital attachments''
adds to a growing understanding of just what constitutes
infidelity and why it happens.
She believes affairs do not have to include sex. ''In
the new infidelity, affairs do not have to be sexual.
Sometimes the greatest betrayals happen without touching. Infidelity
is any emotional or sexual intimacy that violates trust.''
This revised concept of an affair is embraced by increasing
numbers of Glass' colleagues. People are ''incredibly
devastated by their partner's emotional affair,'' says Peggy
Vaughan, who has researched infidelity for 20 years. ''They
separate over it, divorce over it, this breaking of a trust,
a bond.'' The third edition of Vaughan's The Monogamy Myth
will be released this month.
A platonic friendship, such as those that grow at work,
edges into an emotional affair when three elements are
present, Glass says:
* Emotional intimacy. Transgressors share more of
their ''inner self, frustrations and triumphs than with
their spouses. They are on a slippery slope when they begin
sharing the dissatisfaction with their marriage with a
co-worker.''
* Secrecy and deception. ''They neglect to say, 'We
meet every morning for coffee.' Once the lying starts, the
intimacy shifts farther away from the marriage.''
* Sexual chemistry. Even though the two may not act
on the chemistry, there is at least an unacknowledged sexual
attraction.
Glass sums up her research and that of others in Not ''Just
Friends'': Protect Your Relationship from Infidelity and
Heal the Trauma of Betrayal (Free Press, $24), now arriving
in bookstores.
''This is the essence of the new crisis of infidelity:
friendships, work relationships and Internet liaisons have
become the latest threat to marriages,'' Glass says.
Affairs that take place in chat rooms on the Internet are
classic examples of emotional infidelity.
How many have affairs, either emotional or sexual, is
difficult to gauge. After reviewing 25 studies, Glass
believes 25% of wives and 44% of husbands have had
extramarital intercourse.
About two-thirds of the 350 couples she has treated
include one or both partners who have had some type of
intense affair, sexual or emotional. The most
threatening to marriages combine both, she says. Sixty-two
percent of the unfaithful men and 46% of the women met their
illicit partner through work.
Researchers identify many factors contributing to
infidelity. Proximity at the office is key for Glass. ''My
research and the research of others point to opportunity as
a primary factor. . . . Attractions are a fact of life when
men and women work side by side.''
Many other risk factors may be in play. They include:
* Family patterns. Unfaithful parents tend to produce
sons who betray their wives and daughters who either accept
affairs as normal or are unfaithful themselves, Glass says.
* Biochemical cravings. Changes in brain chemicals
during an affair can create a ''high that becomes almost
addictive,'' says Atlanta psychiatrist Frank Pittman, author
of Private Lies: Infidelity and the Betrayal of Intimacy.
Bonnie Eaker-Weil, author of Adultery: The Forgivable Sin,
says the biological need for connection can result from
''severe stress, loss or separation'' that often can be
traced back to childhood.
* Internet temptations. Increasing numbers of
cyber-affairs are breaking up stable marriages, says
psychologist Kimberly Young, author of Tangled in the Web:
Understanding Cybersex From Fantasy to Addiction. She cites
the anonymity and convenience of the Internet, as well as
the escape it provides from the stresses of everyday life.
* Increasing premarital sex. The more premarital
sexual activity, the greater the chance of an extramarital
affair, Glass says. ''Because girls are more sexually active
at younger ages than they used to be, married women are not
nearly as inhibited about crossing the line.''
* Child-centered marriages. Parents with dual careers
and limited time ''often collude to give what time they have
to the children. Their bond is built on co-parenting, and
they don't make time for themselves,'' Glass says.
Stereotypically, the husband finds somebody at work to share
his adult interests.
Some affairs happen, Glass says, ''because people have
certain beliefs they think will protect them. They believe
if they love their spouse and have a good marriage, they
don't have to worry. They don't exert the caution that might
be necessary or create the boundaries to make their
marriages safe.''
Basically monogamous partners drawn to interesting
colleagues at work find themselves in ''great internal
conflict.
“Her
best advice: ''The more attractive we find somebody, the
more careful we have to be.''
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