Realistic
Expectations & increased skills help couples.
May 17, 2004
By Jane E. Allen, Times Staff Writer
MARRIAGE ADVICE: GET REAL Los
Angeles Times May 17, 2004
Starting with lower expectations may make
relationships happier and longer-lasting. By Jane E. Allen,
Times Staff Writer
Call it the ultimate reality check: Newlyweds who lower
their expectations may have happier, and ultimately longer,
marriages.
The idea that starry-eyed brides and grooms should take off
the blinders may seem counter to marriage counselors' advice
to view a partner in a positive light. But James McNulty, an
assistant professor of psychology, says it's based on the
real-life experiences of 82 couples who joined a four-year
marriage study within a few months of tying the knot.
McNulty, of Ohio State University's Mansfield campus, found
that newlyweds ultimately were happier in their marriages
if they had a true view of their relationship and the skills
to work through problems. Husbands and wives with
poor relationship skills and high hopes for happiness
experienced deep declines in satisfaction.
"If people expect their relationship to be perfect and
don't solve their problems very well, they become
disappointed and less satisfied over time," he said.
The ability to argue effectively when the inevitable
conflicts arose, without assigning blame or engaging in
put-downs, was a critical factor in determining whether high
expectations would be dashed by reality.
But having great skills didn't ensure happiness if men and
women entered a marriage with very low expectations. High
hopes can be a motivator for solving problems.
The researchers watched videotapes of the couples discussing
a problem in their relationship and then rated their
problem-solving skills. They also reviewed questionnaires
about the husbands' and wives' satisfaction and
expectations. The couples were reevaluated every six months.
Linda Waite, a University of Chicago sociologist who studies
married and unmarried couples, said the study essentially
suggests that marriage counselors shouldn't encourage
everyone to look for the best, hope for the best and expect
the best.
"Even people with good relationship skills might hit a
bad patch," she said. "We're better off to tell
people that relationships are no more perfect than people
are perfect, but that tough times can be gotten
through."
Howard Markman, a psychologist who directs the Center for
Marital and Family Studies at the University of Denver,
suggested couples take a marriage education program, if
necessary, to learn the necessary skills.
PREP & Christian-PREP
The study appears in the May issue of the Journal of
Personality and Social Psychology.
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