MARITAL WISDOM

60 years of wisdom in couple's advice

Home News Tribune 03/21/07

by DR. ALAN M. SINGER

Martin and Leah Levy recently celebrated their 60th wedding anniversary. I

interviewed them to learn a thing or two.

In their home, the photos are grouped demographically.

Photos of their children are in one room, photos of their grandchildren are

in another, and the great-grandchildren are in a third. Leah is very

organized and explains, "My granddaughter told me I am "squared off' because

everything goes in an exact place."

I would be doing you a disservice if I paraphrased or interpreted what they

said. Instead, I'll just quote the wisdom that comes from the 60-year

partnership of this beautiful couple.

Martin and Leah described how they met and dated. Leah: "My mother picked my

husband out. After a date, we came home and I'd go to sleep. He would talk

to my mother for hours."

Martin: "I would tell Leah's mother everything we did on the date; she was

like a mother to me. How many boys have two mothers?"

Leah adds: "My mother knew Martin was the best for me. Now, at my age with

my illness, he is the best person that could ever be born. He treats me like

gold. When we started out, I took care of him because he worked night and

day. Now he cares for me."

Martin describes dating to his grandchildren: "You look someone in the eyes.

If someone talks to you and looks you straight in the face, you know that

they have a certain amount of honesty. I ask about their mother, their

father, how they deal with their grandparents, and I learn about their

family attitude. Generally, family matters are a good mark. I want to know

if they have a love and closeness to their family, if they honor their

grandparents and if they feel that they are special."

Martin told his grandson, "You look for a human being ‹ someone that when

you wake up in the morning and you see her disheveled, she still looks

beautiful to you. Each morning I wake up and say to my wife, "Good morning,

Mrs. Levy' "

He told his granddaughter, "One bad thing in the world is that people talk

to each other but they're not saying what they really want to say. They talk

around the truth because they're hiding their own (Leah inserts:

inadequacies). As they talk to each other, they blink their eye, shake their

head. Things are bothering them, but they don't say it."

What are the key ingredients of a good marriage? Leah: "When you express

anger in a marriage, you're really hurt, not angry. I learned with my

husband as we matured, that instead of saying, "I'm angry with you,' I tell

him, "You know something? You really hurt me.' When you tell someone you're

angry, he gets angry back at you. When you say, "You hurt me,' he asks why

and you explain it. Anger is not good."

Leah also stressed the importance of showing appreciation to her husband by

preparing for his return from work. "Each night I dressed up like we were

going out to dinner," Leah explained. "I combed my hair and put on a nice

dress. He came in the door to a nice dinner that I cooked. Martin told me

that he could bring any of his co-workers home for dinner without notice,

because I would have a meal on the table and look beautiful. It's necessary

in a marriage for a woman to show her husband that he's important enough

that she prepares for his nightly arrival."

Martin: "The most important thing in marriage is to remember that your wife

is a person. Many men take their women for granted. You don't like to be

ignored, don't ignore her. Pay attention, and show you're conscious of who

she is and that she means a lot to you."

Martin concluded, "I tell my grandchildren ‹ you and your spouse are human

beings and cannot ignore each other. If you have a problem, tell the other

person and never go to sleep unless you solve whatever problem you have,

because when you wake up, tomorrow starts a new day."

With such wisdom, I assumed that friends who knew about their anniversary

would ask for marriage advice.

"Not really," says Martin. "People ask me advice if their air conditioner or

heat stops working, because I was in that business for many years."

http://www.thnt.com/apps/pbcs.dll/article?AID=/20070321/COLUMNISTS15/7032103

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"Be Counted" columnist Dr. Alan Singer blogs at www.familythinking.com.

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