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RESOURCES BY SUBJECT
l FTF LIBRARY
MARRIAGE 911
By Julie Baumgardner
It was an all too familiar conversation. Jody* went to
see a marriage
counselor hoping to receive guidance to help get her
marriage back on track. "After seeing the counselor
twice, he told us, 'You have three choices. You can
separate for a period of time, file for divorce or keep on
working,'" said Jody. "We were looking for
someone to work with us on a specific plan for our marriage.
Instead, we got a totally neutral counselor who didn't seem
to care whether or not our marriage survived. We
weren't neutral about wanting to save our marriage, he
was."
According to Dr. Willard Harley, psychologist and author of
numerous books including the internationally best selling
book, His Needs, Her Needs, this is not unusual.
During one woman's first visit with a therapist, she
specifically said that divorce was not an option.
However, at the end of the session the therapist told her he
thought she really needed to consider divorce. This,
is spite of the fact that there was no violence in the
marriage, just love gone cold.
"People who seek help from marriage counselors usually
assume that the goal of therapy is saving the
marriage," said Dr. Harley. "Unfortunately,
most marital therapists are specifically trained to be
nondirective or neutral. They see themselves as someone
couples can talk to, but not someone who will coach them
into changes that will ultimately save their marriage."
A recent Consumer's Report study indicated that only 16
percent of those who seek marital counseling find it to be
helpful, the lowest of all forms of therapy. Dr.
Harley attributes that low level of success to the abundance
of counselors who use non-directive methods.
"How can a plan possibly achieve it's goal when there
is no goal?" asks Dr. Harley. "It's no
wonder that most marriage counseling is so
ineffective." This does not mean that couples should
not seek help. In fact, Dr. Harley encourages couples
in trouble to find a marriage counselor to help save their
marriage.
"Couples need to understand that there are times in
even the strongest of marriages when you need additional
support and motivation that frequently only a professional
marriage counselor or marriage educator can provide,"
said Dr. Harley. "An effective marriage counselor
or educator will help you avoid or overcome intense
emotional trauma associated with a failing marriage, create
a plan that will help you're your marriage and motivate you
to complete that plan."
Whether your marriage is in significant distress or just
needs some assistance in getting through a tough time, Dr.
Harley believes that couples should know how to pick an
effective marriage counselor. Before they set up their first
appointment, they should ask the counselor certain questions
to make sure he will help them accomplish their goals of
making their marriage mutually fulfilling. Dr. Harley
suggests that couples do the following before choosing a
marriage counselor:
Ask to schedule a phone interview with the counselor.
(10-15 minutes) If the counselor is not willing to have an
initial conversation with you over the phone, eliminate that
counselor from consideration. During the interview you
should ask about the following:
1. What is your goal for our marriage? (Answer:
To help you both achieve marital fulfillment, and save your
marriage).
2. What are your credentials and years of experience
in marriage
counseling? (Answer: a graduate degree in mental
health (M.A. or Ph.D in Marriage &
Family Therapy(LMFT)*, Psychology or Social
Work(LPC)*, with
clinical supervision in marriage counseling).
3. This is our problem (briefly explain). Do you
have experience helping couples overcome that problem, and
what is your success rate? (Answer: Experience helping
couples overcome that particular problem with over 75%
success).
After both spouses have an opportunity to speak to a few
marriage counselors, Dr. Harley suggests choosing the one
that answers those questions appropriately. Then set
up your first appointment.
Jody* and her husband ultimately made the decision to
divorce. Looking back at the whole scenario, they
question if divorce should have even been an option.
At the time, they both felt hopeless about their marriage,
and without a plan for it's recovery, divorce seemed to be
the only answer. If the counselor had encouraged them
to save their marriage by giving them a plan, they might be
happily married today. They will always wonder if
another, more encouraging, counselor would have helped
change the course of their lives and the lives of their
children.
Julie Baumgardner is the Executive Director of First
Things First (Chattanooga), a research and advocacy organization
dedicated to strengthening families through education,
collaboration and mobilization. She can be reached at julieb@firstthings.org
<mailto:julieb@firstthings.org>.
Note : The items in smaller bold
italic with apostrophy were added by FTF for further info
& clarity: in Marriage &
Family Therapy(LMFT)*, Psychology or Social
Work(LPC)*,
Additionally: Marriage Educators, Certified
Family Life Educators(CFLE), and Marriage Mentors have
proven to be effective in helping many couples facing crisis
in their marriages and needing relationship skills,
encouragement, and a HOPE for the future!
**************************
Copyright © 2002 CMFCE. All rights reserved.
7th annual Smart Marriages conference/RENO, Nevada
June 26-29, 2003 http://www.smartmarriages.com/conferencedetails.html
Coalition for Marriage, Family and Couples Education, LLC (CMFCE)
Diane Sollee, Director
5310 Belt Rd NW, Washington, DC 20015-1961
www.smartmarriages.com
202-362-3332 FAX 202-362-0973
cmfce@smartmarriages.com
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