St. Giles Presbyterian Church... a Marriage Savers Congregation

 by Bob Ruthazer, CFLE

Strengthening Marriages at St. Giles Presbyterian Church, 

not just a program …a priority.

Like most churches, St. Giles Presbyterian, with almost 1000 members and strong Biblical values, struggled with the increasing frequency of marital problems and the damaging consequences of  divorce. Pastors invested many hours trying to help couples often seeming beyond recovery; others were referred to licensed counselors and more often than not continued toward divorce; while still others, fearing shame, kept their deepening personal family problems a secret until divorce was inevitable. We were not unsupportive of marriage, in fact we had regular couples classes and annual couples retreats but felt somewhat impotent in an effective overall marriage strategy. 

In October 1998, Mike & Harriet McManus, founders of Marriage Savers, a national organization dedicated to reducing divorce, challenged a group of mainline clergy including senior our senior pastor.  “Most couples, about 75%, are married by clergy in a house of worship and yet nearly 50% of all marriages fail. We invest heavily preparing for the ceremony but very little preparing for lifelong marriage.”  Their strategy is to equip congregations to help Prepare couples for lifelong marriage, Strengthen existing marriages, and Restore troubled marriages with special help for those in Blended Families. The Marriage Savers Key: “In every congregation, there are couples with strong, vibrant marriages who could be of help to other couples -- but have never been asked, inspired or trained to come alongside another couple and be helpful.”

Even with extensive training in Family Systems and Counseling, pastor admitted that he was, as often as not, unsuccessful in helping troubled couples and was willing to give the Marriage Savers Strategy a try because of the high price paid be everyone around the issue of marital stress and divorce.

A group of clergy representing every major denomination developed Community Marriage Policy to rally clergy for strategic action to strengthen marriages.  The idea was to have a coalition of clergy committed to lead their denomination and community to strengthen marriages. With the regional heads of the denomination acting as Advisors, this coalition has become highly effective in bridging denomination, theology and race to share resources and impact our city.

“To equip the saints for the work of ministry for building up the body of Christ” has always been the core value and mission of this active church. So, the key concept of recruiting and equipping spiritually mature couples with strong marriages to mentor other couples was readily embraced by the leadership and congregation. the pastor recruited Bob & Dianne Ruthazer, a dedicated lay couple with some training in Family Ministries, to assist him develop this program. Together they attended initial training and began using a relationship inventory, PREPARE/ENRICH for the purpose of recruiting and training other mentor couples. PREPARE, with its 165 questions, is used for premarital preparation and ENRICH for enrichment. This became the key tool for identifying strengths and growth in areas critical to any marriage such as communication, problem solving, finances, sexuality…etc. Along with the inventory, they administer couple exercises designed to bring awareness, motivation and relationship skills necessary for a strong marriage.  Marci Meeks, a mentor in a blended family comments: “This is wonderful for us as mentors as well as the couples we mentor.  I only wish we had had this a long time ago for when we were preparing for marriage…  Mentors are less intimidating than the pastor and would have helped us immeasurably.” 

Over the next year, a group of 15 Mentor Couples were identified and trained giving birth to what has become a life giving ministry, described as one of the most effective in the church and recognized widely and emulated in the community. Training for these mentors included themselves being mentored by the Ruthazers or one of 2 other Lead Mentor couples using the ENRICH Inventory. Highlighting the necessity of dedicated leadership, when asked the key to success and how another congregation could implement such an effective ministry, Pastor said they should clone his lead Mentor Couple. This is not to say that most congregations do not already have personnel to develop such a program but that they should consider hiring someone at least part time for this purpose… it would be money well spent!  They have used mentors to prepare 56 couples for marriage over the last 4 years with only 1 known divorce!   

One couple reports: Jim and I were initially hesitant about the “requirement” for Marriage Mentors… after all we were in love and everything was going well, a mature couple, and with teens of our own. As it turns out, our mentors were just right for us having themselves experienced some of the same things we were yet to face…  we are thankful for the personal growth and for the new friends that the mentors became… we are now “believers” highly recommending it for any couple whether married or preparing… and we hope to one day become mentors ourselves!

In the 1999, over 20 additional couples were mentored, most in preparation for their own marriage but also several as additional mentors to help dissolve the backlog of couples waiting to be mentored.  When sufficient mentors were trained, we were able to meet the demand for enrichment mentors in addition to premarital. 

In 2000, we began to investigate how we could more effectively help couples in crisis(link). This has been an evolving ministry beginning with training by Rev Dick and Phyllis McGinnis in their couple to couple Marriage Ministry developed similar to a twelve step program. We use a combination of resources and strategies to help couples encountering difficulties. These include referral to licensed professional counselors or Retrouvaille (weekend retreat for couples desiring to reconcile), video curriculum Choosing Wisely (Before you Divorce) by Divorce Care, or finally, Reconciling God’s Way,  a 13 week self guided discipleship program with workbook for participant and guide for supporting partner (can be done by one or both).

An interesting development in 2002 was that several of the first group of mentors were in second marriages and had experienced many unique challenges faced by blended families who’s marriages statistically fail even more frequently. These couples began to experience wonderful success mentoring couples in second marriages. These Blending Mentors and their newly married couples became the core of a new ministry to Step Families called Step by Step(link). They began to meet following a Blended Families Workshop with Rev Dick and Betty Dunn hosted by Marriage Builders Alliance of Richmond, and attended by over 100 from 30 different churches! This coalition continues to coordinate regular city wide marriage education and enrichment events and to share resources amongst congregations… a real help to congregations. One couple reports: This brings us together with others who have walked in our shoes… I don’t feel so alone when we are struggling with something..

Senior Pastor: “St. Giles Presbyterian Church has been profoundly and positively impacted by the ministry of Marriage Mentors.  They have provided effective guidance to those preparing for marriage, those faced with challenges of a blended family, and to marriages in crisis.  As a pastor, I can say that Marriage Mentoring has substantially reduced my counseling load, and provided a more positive outcome! One of the central values at St. Giles has been to equip the saints for the work of ministry. Marriage Mentors has proven to be an excellent way of making that happen”.    

Statistics: 86 Couples mentored over 4 years

•57 Premarital: 1 divorce; ~5% cancel or delay marriage!

•21 Enrichment: No Divorces

•8 Crisis: No Divorces… Two still separated and one couple divorced without seeking help…

Training for Mentors in FOCCUS/REFOCCUS is also available (Link)

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