Richmond Builds Marriage Mentoring Program at All Saints
Episcopal Church
by The Rev. Tom Simmons; reprinted from the
Virginia Episcopalian
Over two years ago, the Rev. Doug
Burgoyne and the Rev. Tom Simmons of All Saints Episcopal
Church in Richmond decided it was time to change the way
they prepared couples for marriage.
So much has changed in courtship and
family life during the last few decades.
Young couples today face choices and challenges that
are quite new and in some cases unprecedented.
But it seems little has changed in the way most
churches prepare them for marriage.
Are the obligatory three or four
sessions of marriage preparation in the priest’s office
adequate to the task? Doug
and Tom did not think so.
A New Way of Preparing Couples
In association with the ecumenical
group Marriage Builders Alliance of Richmond, All Saints
added marriage mentoring to their preparation process.
Doug Burgoyne recruited three lay couples at All
Saints (the number is now growing to six) with mature,
successful marriages and the willingness to “come
alongside” and mentor young couples preparing for
marriage.
With six hours of training, conducted
by Bob and Dianne Ruthazer of the Marriage Builders
Alliance, the mentor couples were able to begin their
ministry. Link
for training outline & info.
The mentor’s role is to model and
facilitate good communication.
They meet several times with each engaged couple and
use a pre-marriage “inventory” (called FOCUS) and
related exercises to lead the couple in exploring their
expectations of marriage in areas of finance, child rearing,
in-laws, sex, communication, career, etc.
“The
idea behind this ministry is simple,” says the Rev. Tom
Simmons. “When lay couples with strong, mature marriages assist
clergy in marriage preparation it lessens clergy workload
and adds a whole new dimension to the process for engaged
couples.”
“A mentor couple is able to form a
relationship with the engaged couple and share time, wisdom
and practical experience with them. Their ministry has
revolutionized marriage preparation at All Saints and has
helped new couples integrate into the life of the parish.”
The Benefits of Mentoring
Though some engaged couples are
initially hesitant at the thought of dealing with such
sensitive, private matters with relative strangers,
virtually all have ended the process convinced of its great
value.
Lance and Melissa Pennington were
recently married at All Saints.
Melissa thinks, “The mentoring was a wonderful
experience. We
learned a lot about each other, and talked about things that
we wouldn’t have normally talked about.…The mentors
share about their own marriage and struggles and that makes
it easy for us to do the same.”
Lance agrees, “The mentors were a
good catalyst.…They taught us that we can take the risk of
honesty and still love each other.
We now know how to talk about these things.”
Their mentors have benefited, too. Bill and Wyckie McClure worked with the Penningtons.
Bill began mentoring with some doubts about their
ability to really impact young couple’s lives. But now, after two years and several couples, he has seen how
valuable the experience has been for couples like Lance and
Melissa.
Wyckie has found it very enjoyable:
“It is a lot of fun getting to know couples, having an
impact in their lives.”
She also comments on how mentoring has benefited
their marriage. “It
has helped us to answer tough questions for ourselves and
reflect on our own issues.”
Marriage Prep: Phase 2
Mentoring is the first phase of
marriage preparation at All Saints.
It is followed by four hours of small group
discussion with the clergy, studying the liturgy of
marriage. As
Episcopalians, our belief and practice are taught in our
prayers. In
three sessions, this group explores the Prayer Book’s
teaching on marriage and how it is practically relevant to
their lives as married people.
They explore the meaning and purpose of
the marriage covenant, the nature of love and commitment,
the power of their vows and the blessing of God. They
discover how married life can thrive as an extension of
their lives as Christians.
In this class, marriage preparation often becomes
Christian formation.
Bill McClure says, “This program
exists because the church values families and marriages.
Everyone can do something to nurture families.”
He sees this program as “a great way for the church
to give substance to its words, to see families grow and
thrive.”
All
Saints will host a Mentor Training Course on Sunday nights
in January from 6:30-8 p.m.
Cost is $100 per couple. For more information contact
The Rev. Tom Simmons at All Saints (804) 288-7811 or at tsimmons@stpetes.net.
Link
for typical training outline.
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Testimony by Senior Pastor
Carter Goolsby, Mechanicsville Christian Center
Mechanicsville Christian Center has
benefited greatly from the material First Things First has
provided for us. We currently do all of our marriage
counseling through a partnership of our pastoral staff and
our marriage mentors, who have been trained with First
Things First materials. These mentor couples develop a
great relationship with those to be married, both
before and after the wedding. The relationship they
cultivate gives them the privilege to convey not only wisdom
but genuine and sincere caring. It has certainly
helped to build strong marriages for us, for which we are
grateful.
Pastor Carter Goolsby
Lead Pastor
Mechanicsville Christian Center
------------------------------------------------------
Endorsement of Clergy/Mentor training in FOCCUS
by The Rev. Thomas W. Simmons IV
see Rev. Carter Goolsby below
19
February 2003
To
Whom It May Concern:
I write to heartily endorse the
Marriage Mentor training program offered by Bob and Dianne
Ruthazer. We
have worked together in several of these training seminars
in two different churches I have served.
Bob and Dianne present a truly transformational
program that enables those trained in it to enrich their own
marriages so they can be more effective as marriage mentors
themselves.
In
approximately ten hours of training Bob and Dianne provide
everything needed to establish an effective church based
program. Their
presentations are clear, humorous, varied and they very
effectively engage the participants.
Marriage
mentoring is a difficult thing for new couples to learn how
to do. There is
a steep learning curve.
But I have found that Bob and Dianne are gifted in
raising the confidence of new mentors and equipping them
with the skills necessary to be successful in this
challenging endeavor. They
help participants to “feel” the process.
Sincerely,
The
Rev. Thomas W Simmons IV
Rector, St Peter’s Episcopal Church
Short
Testimony about the training class for mentor couples. link
here.
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