Blending Families

by Dick & Betty Dunn

About Dick & Betty Dunn

        For sixteen years Dick Dunn served as Minister of Singles and Stepfamilies at the Roswell United Methodist Church in Roswell, Georgia (a northern suburb of Atlanta).  He recently retired from that position and now works as a consultant and speaker in the field of single adults and stepfamilies. He has been a United Methodist minister for over 30 years, working full time with singles and stepfamilies since 1980.

         He has written six books: Launching and Sustaining Successful Singles Ministry, Willing To Try Again - Steps Toward Blending a Family, Single and Growing, Developing a Successful Stepfamily Ministry, New Faces In the Frame and Preparing To Marry Again.  He has also produced several video and cassette tapes as well as discussion questions on a variety of topics.

          Betty is Director of Singles and Stepfamilies Resources, marketing books and other materials for single adults and stepfamilies. Along with working with Dick in the stepfamily ministry they developed at the Roswell United Methodist Church, Betty has been a facilitator for Rainbows, a national support program to help children in families where there has been a divorce or the death of a parent.

Because of her own experience with remarriage and stepfamilies, Betty holds a special connection and understanding of children and their feelings as they experience the changes of losing a family and gaining a new one, whether by death or divorce. She has written two books: I Don't Want a New Mommy (a stepfamily coloring workbook) and Bela's Night Out (a true adventure of her black cat, Bela). Both of these books have been illustrated by M. Catherine Moore, an artist in Roswell and owner of the Heaven Blue Rose Gallery.

           Betty and Dick have three children between them from their first marriages. All of the children are now grown and living on their own. They have three grandchildren. Dick and Betty Dunn have appeared on The John Bradshaw Show, Good Morning America, ABC News 20/20, and CNN

Contact the Dunns:

Singles & Stepfamilies Ministry   E-mail: Dickbettydunn@aol.com

October – April   11 Beachside Dr. #223   Seagrove Beach, FL 32459   850-231-2975

May – September  105 East Street  Fairport, OH 44077 440-392-0335  

THE NEED FOR STEPFAMILY MINISTRIES

Every day over 1,300 new stepfamilies are created. Some like to call these families blended, however, families frequently do not blend very well. Therefore, I try to refer to such families as blending families or simply as stepfamilies. A stepfamily will always be a stepfamily – not a nuclear family. It can become a very good and wholesome family unit, but it will still not be a nuclear family and should not try to become one. Some of the family issues will always be stepfamily issues. These are not worse than nuclear family issues, but they are different and should not be treated the same. That would be like a doctor treating people with different blood types as though all were alike. Stepfamilies are simply different.

Today, almost every family is involved in a stepfamily in some way. Either there are stepchildren, stepparents, stepgrandparents, stepgrandchildren, stepaunts or stepuncles, or stepsomething. Whenever there has been a death or a divorce and subsequent remarriage involving children from a previous marriage, a stepfamily has been formed and the process of blending has begun. Churches can either see the opportunity of ministry in this, or they can wag their heads and cry, “How awful.” Many people are desperate for help. How wonderful to be able to respond, “We can help.”

STEPFAMILY MINISTRY MAKES A DIFFERENCE

  The divorce statistics for subsequent marriage are not very encouraging – approximately 60% of all people who marry again divorce. Remarriage with children is difficult. That is true whether the first marriage ended in divorce or death. The widowed are no more prepared for stepfamily living than the divorced. Most couples quickly feel that they are in over their heads. The new marriage is not at all what they expected. Many struggle on for several years; some give up within a few months.

The tragedy of divorce for such a high percentage of stepfamilies is not necessary. Over 80% of couples attending the stepfamily support group in Roswell, Georgia succeeded in overcoming these difficulties. Stepfamily ministry does make a difference – a big difference.

Within our culture, the word stepfamily has frequently held negative connotations. It is still common to hear on the news, or to read in the newspaper, that a social program that is not receiving proper attention is regarded to be the stepchild of a particular administration. The implication is that stepchildren simply do not receive equal attention with biological children. Many of the fairy tales still read to children speak openly of the wicked stepparent.  Stepparents are presumed to dislike children not their own, and children are presumed to hate these creatures called stepparents. I have even heard in casual conversation, “I don’t like being treated like a stepchild.” Stepchild, stepparent, and stepfamily are all words that our culture has used, and still is using, in negative ways.

That is precisely why so many choose to use the term blended instead of step. While I admire the desire to overcome the negativity of stepfamily with a new word, blended usually goes too far. At best, such families can be said to be blending. The Brady Bunch really did not tell the truth. The goal of a blending family is not to become a nuclear family but to become a nurturing family in which all participants may grow to their fullest. That can take place.

One of the major differences stepfamilies have from nuclear families is that at least one parent (both if each has children from a previous marriage) has a parental bond with a child or children that the other does not and cannot share. No matter how hard stepparents try to love their stepchildren, they will probably never duplicate the emotional bond that exists between biological parents and their children. A stepparent will always be an outsider to this preexisting emotional bond between the biological parent and his or her children. The biological parent and children have an emotional history that is not shared with the stepparent. In the early days and months of the marriage, many stepparents try and try to enter this closed circle, becoming angry or sullen when they cannot. Feeling like an outsider hurts. 

Children are caught in this emotional bonding as well. However, they feel it for both biological parents, which adds an additional difficulty for the stepfamily. There is another parent not living in the stepfamily to whom the child is bonded. To children, a stepparent seems like an outsider who has come to live with them to take the absent parent’s place. Not surprisingly, many children resent this intrusion. Occasionally, children want their real mom and dad to get back together so much that they intentionally plot how to sabotage the new marriage. Talk about strains upon a relationship!

Stepparents inevitably enter the new family with the thought that they are not going to fall into the same traps others do. They are going to love these children so much that the children will undoubtedly respond in kind. However, simply loving them, treating them kindly, and doing things for the children, will never equal the emotional bond that exists between the children and the biological parents. That bond is based not upon actions but upon a history established at birth. A stepparent simply cannot hope to establish anything similar.

Stepparents can, however, create a wonderful relationship with stepchildren over a period of time – when the children are ready. While difficult, the struggle of a stepparent wanting to become a real part of the family is not impossible. Over time, emotional bonding does occur. It will probably never equal that between biological parent and child, but bonding does occur with every new experience, and stepparents who are persistent and loving can develop a very good relationship with stepchildren.

HOPE

All is not doom and gloom. Generally speaking, people actually do a better job of selecting mates in subsequent marriages. They should. They have more experience to draw upon, and they are older and hopefully wiser. While stepfamilies are filled with difficult problems to solve in the early years, there is far greater satisfaction within the couple relationship. Only a small number of stepfamilies break up because the couple found that they really did not like one another.

Stepfamilies are different from nuclear families. That is why stepfamily ministries are important. Many people simply have no way to know how to live in a stepfamily setting. However, they can learn, and learning these lessons is accomplished best in a group setting with other people who really do understand because it is their situation also.

I Don’t Want a New Mommy (a coloring workbook) by Betty Dunn; illustrated by M. Catherine Moore. Published by Singles and Stepfamilies Ministry. (Oct.-Apr.) 11 Beachside Dr. #223 – Seagrove Beach, FL 32459 – 850-231-2975; (May-Sept.) 105 East St. – Fairport Harbor, OH 44077 – 440-392-0335.

New Faces in the Frame by Dick Dunn, Published by LifeWay Press, Nashville, TN.

Willing to Try Again – Steps Toward Blending a Family by Dick Dunn. Published by Judson Press, Valley Forge, PA.

Developing a Successful Stepfamily Ministry by Dick Dunn. Published by Singles and Stepfamilies Ministry. (Oct.-Apr.) 11 Beachside Dr. #223 – Seagrove Beach, FL 32459 – 850-231-2975; (May-Sept.) 105 East St. – Fairport Harbor, OH 44077 – 440-392-0335.

Preparing to Marry Again by Dick Dunn. Published by Discipleship Resources, Nashville, TN.

Step Family Association of America has a whole catalog of good stepfamily books that are available. Their address is 650 “J” Street, Suite 205 – Lincoln, NE 68508. Phone: 800-735-0329.

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