Mark Twain once said, “When a boy gets to be about 15, his parents ought to put him in a barrel, fasten the lid, feed him through the bunghole, and let him out when he is about 20.”

While this quote implies that with the onset of adolescence in boys comes trouble, according to many researchers, the boys may not be the ones with the problem.  It may be the adults who need to change their expectations of boys.

“Boys are being asked to do the  ‘big impossible,’” said William Pollack, Ph.D., author of Real Boys: Rescuing Our Sons From the Myths of Boyhood.  “For most boys this is the task of adolescence, surviving peer pressure, gender straitjacketing and the other tribulations of adolescence.  It is indeed a very difficult task.”

Dr. Pollack’s research shows that the outdated and constricting assumptions, models and rules about boys that our society has used since the nineteenth century are still operating in force.

“I have had many frustrated moms say  ‘My son just doesn’t talk to me,’” said Jim Mancke, Counselor at McCallie School.  “When something happens in a boy’s life and he is really struggling, it will take him a lot longer to process this than a young lady.  It is interesting, the wiring of guys is so similar – young or old when it comes to sharing, we often struggle to be good communicators.” 

“I have been surprised to find that even in the most progressive schools and the most politically correct communities in every part of the country and in families of all types, the Boy Code continues to affect the behavior of all of us – the boys themselves, their parents, their teachers and society as a whole,” said Dr. Pollack.  “The Boy Code puts boys and men into a gender straitjacket (those two divergent paths i.e. being polite and sensitive and at the same time being tough, manly and taking charge of situations) that constrains not only them, but everyone else, reducing us all as human beings, and eventually making us strangers to ourselves and to one another – or at least not as strongly connected to one another as we long to be.”

There are some things parents can do to help their boys break out of the Boy Code.  Dr. Pollack gives these suggestions to parents and others who are involved with boys:

Become sensitive to the early signs of the masking of feelings such as bad grades, rowdy behavior, using drugs or alcohol, or symptoms of depression. 

“I encourage parents to take the stop, look and listen approach,” said Mr. Mancke.  “In such a hurried society it pays great dividends to take the time to really focus on these three areas with our sons.  Many times a boy will say he is fine, yet the way he is dressed, the way he is acting, nothing about him says he is fine, except his words.  Those are red flags that parents should heed.   If you don’t take this approach, parents can miss critical cues that will give them important information about their son.”

Second, learn a new way to talk to boys so they don’t feel afraid or ashamed to share their true feelings.  Responding in shock and awe at things your son says will usually shut down a conversation instead of encouraging them to say more.  It has been said that the greatest task of a boy is trying not to be embarrassed.

The third step is to learn to accept a boy’s own emotional schedule.  Where girls will often come home and tell you more than you ever wanted to know about all that has gone on with her friends, boys will often be silent.  Instead of pressuring your son to talk and share his feelings, parents have to learn how to give a boy the time he needs to be silent, what Dr. Pollack refers to as the timed silence syndrome, and learn how to recognize when he is ready to talk.

“ Many times when a young man comes into my office, one of the first things I will tell him is it is okay to be deadly quiet,” said Mr. Mancke.  “I find taking the pressure off of him to say something makes it much easier for him to open up and share what is really on his mind.” 

Fourth, connect with your son through action.  Instead of encouraging your son to sit down and share his feelings, simply join your son in an activity he enjoys.  Often by doing something with your son, you forge a connection that enables him to feel safe enough to share feelings he might otherwise keep hidden.  The goal is be available and open without becoming the great interrogator.

“It has been my experience that parents, especially fathers, cannot underestimate the value and importance of spending time with their sons,” said Mr. Mancke.  “Even if you are fishing and few words are spoken, you may be participating in some of the most important communication with your son that you have had all week.”

Lastly, parents can help boys take off their mask by telling stories about their own experiences.  Even if your son groans or rolls his eyes, he almost always benefits from the empathy that the story conveys.

“The reality is, boys are different than girls,” said Mr. Mancke.  “I really encourage parents to take the time to read at least one of the excellent books available such as Raising Cain; Real Boys; The Wonder of Boys and Bringing Up Boys to help unlock the secrets of boyhood.  And above all else, despite all the quirky stuff we have just addressed, lets be sure not to forget to simply enjoy the excitement and adventure a boy can bring to a family.”  

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We are grateful to FTF Chattanooga for this article