Step Families:  Tomorrow's Nuclear Family

by Dr. David Swift

Can you quickly think of a reason why the "stepfamily" should be reviewed? Could it be because it is predicted to be the predominant family form in America by the 21st Century?

If you include extended family as being members of a stepfamily, then well over half of the American population is already associated with a stepfamily. That my friend, is a lot of folks. Although the divorce rate is finally leveling, it is still at an all time high. Society has made it easy and acceptable to be divorced, which ultimately leaves a staggering amount of children in broken homes; children who will most likely be faced with adapting to a stepfamily that is confusing, disappointing, and extremely frustrating. Children rarely ever have a choice in remarriage, but are expected to dedicate themselves to its success.

It is important to understand how stepfamilies are created. The stepfamily is born out of grief. Loss is always associated with the blending of two existing families. Members must deal with the loss of a parent, loss of a lifestyle, loss of friends, and often, loss of an ideal. The ideal of growing up in the American nuclear family: Mom, Dad, Rover, and the white picket fence. Combine this with the unrealistic expectations of the couple remarrying, and you have a formula for disaster.

Stepfamilies are complex to say the least. Just look at the conflicting emotions involved in the start up. Resentment, excitement, guilt, divided loyalties, and exceedingly high expectations for success contribute to the turmoil. New couple's hopes of building a "nuclear" family are soon dashed as the harsh realities of the stepfamily set in. You see, stepfamilies are very different than nuclear families, and they are not different just in the beginning. They are different for a lifetime. The stepfamily will never be a nuclear family. This is not to say they are better or worse, just different. The road to building a successful stepfamily lies in understanding and accepting this statement.

Most parents begin their second marriage by trying to fit a square peg into a round hole. Until we realize that the two are different, we will waste time becoming angry, frustrated, and eventually hopeless. This is one of the reasons that the divorce rate is higher for second marriages than for first marriages. It is true, the divorce rate is actually higher for people who marry a second time. The frustrations can be simply overwhelming.

So how does understanding the difference between these two types of unions help build healthy stepfamilies? It allows time for adjustment. Adjustment in the nuclear family takes place in expected areas like birth of a new child, adolescence, puberty, and transition into adulthood. These also take place in the stepfamily, but you have to factor in additional issues like what to call the stepparent, who disciplines who, step-siblings, half-siblings, split visitation, and extended travel away from home. Actually, these simply scratch the surface of potential problems that must be dealt with inside the stepfamily. All of this takes time, patience, and understanding.

There is hope. More than that, there is proof that the American stepfamily can and will survive. However, it takes a lot of effort, effort that must be focused on the right issues. Understanding the different communication dynamics between children and stepparents is a must. Love takes on a different definition in the stepfamily, as does discipline. Territory and changing role expectations also accompany the new marriage. Altering your expectations of family members is imperative.

Actually, learning how to alter your expectations can do a lot for you and those around you. Frustration, tension, stress, anger, and confusion are created by unmet expectations. Think about it, the further away any result falls from what you expected, the more anxiety or frustration you experience. Although we do not have much control over the actual result, we do have control over what we expect. Learn how to be flexible in your expectations and you will learn how to reduce stress in your life.

Your stepfamily can be a source of unending joy and fulfilling experiences. It does not come easy, but nothing worthwhile does. The secret is knowledge and understanding. Information regarding stepfamilies is readily available in your local bookstore, as are therapists who are experienced in dealing with the common problems of stepfamilies. Tap into these resources and discover the mounds of ideas and directives designed to help you mold the successful stepfamily.

Dr. Swift is a Resident with Neuropsychological Associates of SW MO. He is the father of three, two of which are stepchildren. He has focused his professional study in the area of family and stepfamilies and been a stepfather for the past eight years.

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Stepfamily Conference (click for info) coming Feb 22,23

If you may be interested in attending or participating in a Stepfamily or Blended Family Support Group, please contact MBA:  info@MarriageBuildersAlliance.org

Resources for Stepfamilies:

New Faces in the Frame by Dick Dunn (available in Family Resource Center)

Preparing to Marry Again by Dick Dunn (available in Family Resource Center)

www.MarriageBuildersAlliance.org

www.stepfamily.org