Our hope is that you find a therapist that will truly help you restore (or make new) your marriage.  Not all therapists are equal with regards to helping couples save their marriages.  Below are two articles by nationally acclaimed experts who focus on helping save marriages that should be saved. These articles are the opinions of the authors and should be weighed according to your situation. We are not making referrals or recommendation concerning your particular situation.

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MARRIAGE 911

By Julie Baumgardner

It was an all too familiar conversation.  Jody* went to see a marriage
counselor hoping to receive guidance to help get her marriage back on track. "After seeing the counselor twice, he told us, 'You have three choices.  You can separate for a period of time, file for divorce or keep on working,'" said Jody.  "We were looking for someone to work with us on a specific plan for our marriage.  Instead, we got a totally neutral counselor who didn't seem to care whether or not our marriage survived.  We weren't neutral about wanting to save our marriage, he was."

According to Dr. Willard Harley, psychologist and author of numerous books including the internationally best selling book, His Needs, Her Needs, this is not unusual.  During one woman's first visit with a therapist, she specifically said that divorce was not an option.  However, at the end of the session the therapist told her he thought she really needed to consider divorce.  This, is spite of the fact that there was no violence in the marriage, just love gone cold.

"People who seek help from marriage counselors usually assume that the goal of therapy is saving the marriage," said Dr. Harley.  "Unfortunately, most marital therapists are specifically trained to be nondirective or neutral. They see themselves as someone couples can talk to, but not someone who will coach them into changes that will ultimately save their marriage."
A recent Consumer's Report study indicated that only 16 percent of those who seek marital counseling find it to be helpful, the lowest of all forms of therapy.  Dr. Harley attributes that low level of success to the abundance of counselors who use non-directive methods.
 
"How can a plan possibly achieve it's goal when there is no goal?" asks Dr. Harley.  "It's no wonder that most marriage counseling is so ineffective." This does not mean that couples should not seek help.  In fact, Dr. Harley encourages couples in trouble to find a marriage counselor to help save their marriage.

"Couples need to understand that there are times in even the strongest of marriages when you need additional support and motivation that frequently only a professional marriage counselor or marriage educator can provide," said Dr. Harley.  "An effective marriage counselor or educator will help you avoid or overcome intense emotional trauma associated with a failing marriage, create a plan that will help you're your marriage and motivate you to complete that plan."
 
Whether your marriage is in significant distress or just needs some assistance in getting through a tough time, Dr. Harley believes that couples should know how to pick an effective marriage counselor. Before they set up their first appointment, they should ask the counselor certain questions to make sure he will help them accomplish their goals of making their marriage mutually fulfilling.  Dr. Harley suggests that couples do the following before choosing a marriage counselor:

Ask to schedule a phone interview with the counselor.  (10-15 minutes) If the counselor is not willing to have an initial conversation with you over the phone, eliminate that counselor from consideration.  During the interview you should ask about the following:

1.  What is your goal for our marriage? (Answer:  To help you both achieve marital fulfillment, and save your marriage).

2.  What are your credentials and years of experience in marriage
counseling? (Answer:  a graduate degree in mental health (M.A. or Ph.D in Marriage & Family Therapy(LMFT)*, Psychology or Social Work(LPC)*, with clinical supervision in marriage counseling).

3.  This is our problem (briefly explain).  Do you have experience helping couples overcome that problem, and what is your success rate? (Answer: Experience helping couples overcome that particular problem with over 75% success).

After both spouses have an opportunity to speak to a few marriage counselors, Dr. Harley suggests choosing the one that answers those questions appropriately.  Then set up your first appointment.
 
Jody* and her husband ultimately made the decision to divorce.  Looking back at the whole scenario, they question if divorce should have even been an option.  At the time, they both felt hopeless about their marriage, and without a plan for it's recovery, divorce seemed to be the only answer.  If the counselor had encouraged them to save their marriage by giving them a plan, they might be happily married today.  They will always wonder if another, more encouraging, counselor would have helped change the course of their lives and the lives of their children.

Julie Baumgardner is the Executive Director of First Things First (Chattanooga), a research and advocacy organization dedicated to strengthening families through education, collaboration and mobilization.  She can be reached at julieb@firstthings.org <mailto:julieb@firstthings.org>.

Note :  The items in smaller bold italic with apostrophy were added by FTF for further info & clarity:  in Marriage & Family Therapy(LMFT)*, Psychology or Social Work(LPC)*,

Additionally: Marriage Educators, Certified Family Life Educators(CFLE), and Marriage Mentors have proven to be effective in helping many couples facing crisis in their marriages and needing relationship skills, encouragement, and a HOPE for the future!

 

The bottom line is find a good counselor and be selective and don't forget the proven effectiveness of marriage education ...

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Below is from William J. Doherty, PhD, Family Social Science Department, University of Minnesota address to Smart Marriages conference regarding questions you might ask a Therapist in making your choice:

"People considering therapy should learn to ask questions to learn about the therapist's training and value orientation.   They can ask a therapist on the phone or in the first session the following kinds of questions:

• "Can you describe your background and training in marital therapy?"  If the therapist is self-taught or workshop-trained, and can't point to a significant education in this work, then consider going elsewhere.

• "What is your attitude toward salvaging a trouble marriage versus helping couples break up?"  If the therapist says he or she is "neutral," or "I don't try to save marriage, I try to help people" look elsewhere.    (I'd also run if the therapist says he or she does not believe in divorce.)

• "What is your approach when one partner is seriously considering ending the marriage and the other wants to save it?"   If the therapist responds by focusing only on helping each person clarify their personal feelings and decisions, consider looking elsewhere.

• "What percentage of your practice is marital therapy?"  Avoid therapists who mostly do individual therapy.

• "Of the couples you treat, what percentage would you say work out enough of their problems to stay married with a reasonable amount of satisfaction with the relationship."  "What percentage break up while they are seeing you?"  "What percentage do not improve?"  "What do you think makes the differences in these results?"  If someone says "100%" stay together, I would be concerned, and if they say that staying together is not a measure of success for them, I'd be concerned."

I hope the above helps you and that you restore your relationship completely!     For the full article click here: HOW THERAPY CAN BE HAZARDOUS TO YOUR  MARITAL HEALTH @  CMFCE CONFERENCE, JULY 3, 1999   William J. Doherty, PhD  (Click to link to article)

"BAD COUPLES THERAPY: HOW TO AVOID IT"  another discourse by Dr. William Doherty, Phd. 2002 (click to link)

 

The bottom line is find a good counselor and be selective and don't forget the proven effectiveness of marriage education ...

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Choosing a Marital Therapist

by Michelle Weiner-Davis, Author Divorce Busting and Keeping Love Alive  

link: http://www.divorcebusting.com/

It amazes me that most people decide to end their marriages without seeking professional help. The decision of whether to divorce or not is probably the most important decision anyone will ever make. Yet, the facts remains that only a minority of people in the throes of marital problems consult marriage therapists.

Truth be told, seeking professional advice for your marital problems is no guarantee things will improve. In fact, many people have told me that their so-called marriage therapy even made things worse. Most therapists are well-meaning, but not always qualified to do marital therapy. That’s why I want to offer some guidelines for you to consider should you seek professional help to improve your marriage.

*Make sure your therapist has received specific training and is experienced in marital therapy. Too often, therapists say they do couples therapy or marital therapy if they have two people sitting in the office. This is incorrect. Marital therapy requires very different skills than doing individual therapy. Individual therapists usually help people identify and process feelings. They assist them in achieving personal goals. “How do you feel about that,?” is their mantra.

Couples therapists, on the other hand, need to be skilled at helping people overcome the differences that naturally occur when two people live under the same roof. They need to know what makes marriage tick. A therapist can be very skilled as an individual therapist and be clueless about helping couples change. For this reason, don’t be shy. Ask your therapist about his or her training and experience.

*Make sure your therapist is biased in the direction of helping you find solutions to your marital problems rather than helping you leave your marriage when things get rocky. Feel free to ask him or her to give you a ballpark figure about the percentage of couples he or she works with who leave with their marriages intact and are happier as a result of therapy. Although your therapist may not have a specific answer, his or her reaction to your question will speak volumes.

*You should feel comfortable and respected by your therapist. You should feel that he or she understands your perspective and feelings. If your therapist sides with you or your spouse, that’s not good. No one should feel ganged up on. If you aren’t comfortable with something your therapist is suggesting- like setting a deadline to make a decision about your marriage- say so. If your therapist honors your feedback, that’s a good sign. If not, leave.

*The therapist’s own values about relationships definitely plays a part in what he or she does and is interested in when working with you. Since there are few universal rules for being and staying in love, if your therapist insists that there is only one way to have a successful marriage, find another therapist.

Also, although some people think that their therapists are able to tell when a person should stop trying to work on their marriage, therapists really don’t have this sort of knowledge. If they say things like, “It seems that you are incompatible,” or “Why are you willing to put up with this,?” or “It is time to move on with your life,” they are simply laying their own values on you. This is an unethical act, in my opinion.

*Make sure you (and your partner) and your therapist set concrete goals early on. If you don’t, you will probably meet each week with no clear direction. Once you set goals, you should never lose sight of them. If you don’t begin to see some progress within two or three sessions, you should address your concern with your therapist.

*It’s my belief that couples in crisis don’t have the luxury to analyze how they were raised in order to find solutions to their marital problems. If your therapist is focusing on the past, suggest a future-orientation. If he or she isn’t willing to take your lead, find a therapist who will.

*Know that most marital problems are solvable. Don’t let your therapist tell you that change is impossible. Human beings are amazing and they are capable to doing great things- especially for people they love.

*Most of all, trust your instincts. If your therapist is helping, you’ll know it. If he or she isn’t, you’ll know that too. Don’t stay with a therapist who is just helping you tread water. Find one who will help you swim.

*Finally, the best way to find a good therapist is word-of-mouth. Satisfied customers say a lot about the kind of therapy you will receive. Although you might feel embarrassed to ask friends or family for a referral, you should consider doing it anyway. It increases the odds you’ll find a therapist who will really help you and your spouse.

So don’t give up on therapy, give up on bad therapy. You be the judge. There’s a lot to be gained from seeking the advice of a third party who can help you find simple solutions to life’s complicated problems. Happy divorce busting!

2002 Copyright - Michele Weiner-Davis. All rights reserved.  (use authorized by Virginia peoples 4/14/06)

 

MARRIAGE 911 by Julie Baumgardner  Where to find help & what to look for in a counselor.

Article:  Hope Needed, How Marriage Therapists Make or Break Marriages  by Scott Haltzman,, MD